i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize
