As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
