Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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