gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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