I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
