dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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