Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
