First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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