So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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