Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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