You don't have asthma, your pregnant
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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