Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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