Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I think I won the penis lottery.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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