the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
