Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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