In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize