My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize