I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
