Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
