Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
