His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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