becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
