YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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