Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
