I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
