Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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