Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
