dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
