1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
