quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
