all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
