how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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