I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
