He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
