i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
