that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
