i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
