My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
