Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
