Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
