Don't make out with my wife yet
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
