I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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