I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
