My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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