I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
