When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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