Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
