I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
