Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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