i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
