you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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