Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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