You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize