I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
