the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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