as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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