3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
