Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize