Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
