Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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