I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
