you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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