So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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