I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Randomize
