there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
