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I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
