Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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