she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize