i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
